August

I am pleased with where I am compared to my last couple of posts. I've waded through this mire of decision making and anxiety and I hope I'm moving in a good direction. It feels pretty good :)

 This spring I was accepted to Emory University's ABSN program in Georgia. I was also placed on a Fall waiting list with OHSU's ABSN program (Yay! I feel really smart!) I was not accepted to WSU and I couldn't bring myself to continue on to further apply to Concordia U or others. My husband and I just could not find a way to consider moving so far and investing so much ($100k +) into an unclear and frustrating profession.
So, I went to counseling.
I pulled back from them all.
I took a break.
I started reading books for fun again.

I applied for several jobs, one with Evidence Based Birth
and reached out to volunteer with the NW Mother's Milkbank, Birthingway College, and Doula My Soul

Nothing has been successful.

The one thing that has been successful is volunteering at my church nursery to play with 1 year olds for a couple hours once a month or so. I also have enrolled in an IBCLC training program at PSU. I haven't thought as much about breastfeeding work in the past, but as I investigated I found that I had already completed all the pre-reqs thanks to prepping for nursing school. I also found that the program itself is much less intense than full spectrum RN training and more focused, obviously, on maternal health.

My main fears are that I will finish and then not be taken seriously. Or be unable to work at all due to never having breastfed or given birth to my own kids (I have no kids) PLUS not being a nurse (see all previous blog posts). When I tell people this, they usually scoff and say that should never happen, it shouldn't matter if I already have the primary training required. Their support is nice, but unfortunately it's a real thing to legitimize women's professional skills in this field based on their personal experiences.

So, here's the kicker.

I just found out that I am pregnant.

While this was a very unplanned (hopefully delightful) disruption, maybe it will end up legitimizing my work in the end.

I would quite happily pursue lactation consulting without having babies of my own, don't get me wrong, but maybe it's a good thing that these plans are mostly out of my control.

December

I am so pleased that 2017 is coming to a close. Despite making some progress this year, it has not been a fun process and the mental strain cannot be remedied by the 3 or 4 massages I was able to afford all year.

I have continued from September to plan for nursing school applications and to think about potential career options. Thus far I have successfully applied to OHSU (omg, i did actually finish something!) and I have pending applications to:

Emory U. (in georgia)
WSU (in Spokane)
Concordia U. (in Portland)


After considering so many programs, this is what I settled on. If I get in, great. If not, great, at least I can move on. 
I will take the TEAS entrance exam next week and that will wrap up the Emory application. If I continue with the last two, I must take Organic Chem this winter and the month long CNA training program.

To pay for these classes, I took a job at Powell's Books for the Christmas season which was an excellent idea anyway, since it is one of the few places I feel very happy and comfortable :D :D :D I love being around books and thinking about what books I could match up with the people who would enjoy them! Take that nursing school... how could you possibly compete with that kind of job satisfaction?? 

Naturally there was already a waiting list for O Chem by the time my slot was free to register, but I will likely get in. At this point my motivation to get into a program is just sheer will to finish, I don't even know if I want to or am emotionally stable enough to get through accelerated nursing school. And I really hope I'm not the only student feeling this way. Because I am getting old. And I want to progress toward a useful career. And this is taking a hella long time.

My mood improved quite a bit after my last post, since my husband and I were able to take a vacation in Europe (somehow we can afford that, but not massages...? yeah) and I am riding out the inspiration that gave as long as possible. 
(and yes, that IS a rooftop hot tub in Budapest! May have been the highlight of my year)

Someone pull me out of this funk!

The summer is about at a close (as I am reminded today by the adorable photo of my nephew's first day of kindergarten) and I finally have a few days to breathe and reflect and figure out what the hell I'm doing. 
Last week I completed the last final for those 3 general classes I mentioned in an earlier blog. And in July I finished the DONA weekend training for Postpartum Doula care. A huge accomplishment right?! One A, two B's, one shiny certificate and a growing desire to tattoo this somewhere on my body:

(credit to Tom Ruki, TY for perfectly drawing how I feel)

Why so sad?

Because

• On top of the grinding pressure of summer term science classes, I decided to quit the job I just started in February. It was indeed good exposure to hospital work and inter-departmental collaboration, but I also had panic attacks on the job from mounting stress and little support from supervisors (not to mention all the extra joys that come along with a non-benefited position).  
• I worked all the angles I could, but still had to pay out of pocket for these classes. 
• I actually had a great appointment with a career counselor about 2 months ago, but I haven't followed his advice yet to reach out to professionals for informational interviews. Maybe due to my own self-conscious tendencies, but it makes me sad all the same. 
• I realized over the summer how incredibly lonely I was. Students at my community college have no interest in knowing me inside and out, but they were the only people I saw (or even heard from regularly) weekly besides my husband. 
• My initial feeling after taking the long-awaited postpartum training was disappointment, I knew that I could do this work, but I also knew that it wasn't enough to satisfy me, another drop in my slowly filling bucket. 
• Because I finally got through to the therapist I started seeing this summer that what I really wanted was some combination of friend/mentor/life coach/counselor, but she is able to address only a small portion of those needs.
• Because nursing school deadlines are fast approaching and I don't even know if I am okay with pursuing this field of work.  
• Probably more reasons that would make this even more of an angst-y journal post... 
• Not to mention that I cannot afford regular massages.

 

Speaking of nursing schools, I have again confirmed this summer that I have expensive taste.
OHSU
Emory
UPenn
Boston U.
Loma Linda U. 

All would be awesome first choices as they have midwifery focused research and practicum (or maybe it's just that they have a bigger marketing budget). I do keep hearing from people that it is possible to pay back loans within a 5 year range so maybe I can consider $100,000 programs (if they let me in with B's).

Concordia U (here in town) is practically begging me to apply but their program is mainly online and not necessarily geared toward midwifery work.
Most of these schools also have an aBSN- MSN program but they require GRE scores with application, but Emory for example has a priority application deadline of October 15 (I'm not prepared to have taken the GRE by then).

Anyone willing to help me chart all this out????????

I see some progress coming!

It is April now and my experiences are still raining in and making me feel hopeful and overwhelmed and yet slow-moving toward my mounting goals.

Progress I have made in the last 6 weeks or so: 

• I have started earning an income again, Hooray! This is very helpful in the meantime for funding my educational lifestyle, haha. 
• I signed up for an evening class "So you want to be a doula?" that invests toward my weekend Doula training workshop in late June. A helpful class model employed by Mothertree Doula Services here in Portland. I am excited to take both! 
• I attended a breastfeeding class for expecting parents (one of the prerequisites to taking the workshop) on Tuesday. I actually got to fill out one of the first forms from DONA, marking my progress toward certification!! Today I will attend a Newborn/Infant care class at the same location, although this one is not required, it seems like a good add on (and it's free). 
• I started an evening psychology class at my community college, one more step toward applying to a nursing program. 

3 solid steps forward in the right direction I think. I have also started to meet more people in the community who are involved in similar work! 

My reading hasn't progressed much lately, since I've been reading more recreationally and now have started some textbook reading for my class as well. But I am still going through "The Year After Childbirth", "Your Baby is Speaking to You", and "I'm Listening: a guide to supporting postpartum famililies". 

I will need to have finished the first two there plus "The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding" by my workshop in June. 

My work is cut out for me! 

Happy March!

A new month and a new job!

I started my job at the hospital and have felt a little sidetracked on Doula reading since they have been training me full-time. I'm not complaining though, it feels good to get out of the house and earn a paycheck again!

My good friend delivered her baby in February and I went to support her. Unfortunately I was not able to stay to the end of her birth :( It was delayed longer than we thought and I had to return home to start new employee training. It was good to again see a laboring mom and be able to help a little, also difficult to see labor pains overwhelm someone whom you know to be a strong person who never caves under pressure! Her husband was by her side the whole time, the hospital nurse commented on what a great team they made and what good support my friend had around her! I came back to meet a the little one week old baby later over a weekend off :)

I lent a few books to my friend, some on pregnancy & birth, some on breastfeeding and infant care. She reported back to me that Bestfeeding has been a great read for her! I've had this book for a number of years (a goodwill find I think) but not really seen it promoted anywhere. DONA recommends several breastfeeding books, fortunately my public library has 'Breastfeeding Made Simple' among others so I don't have to buy them all new. :)

I'm looking forward to more stable work weeks and time to jump back into reading 'The Year After Childbirth' and finding a breastfeeding class to attend!

Slow progress

Our freak snow/ice storm has slowed up some of my progress lately...not just the snow itself, but the poor city resources of an area that rarely sees snow (a week after and it has barely been plowed or melted off the streets).

In happier news, I have a job interview scheduled this week for a small position at one of my local hospitals! I am very hopeful that this could lead to some experience with patient care, hospital environments, and further education/experience in supporting birthing women (not to mention earning a wage for the first time in a long time).

I am about 2/3rds of the way through Misconceptions and I am starting to wonder why DONA has recommended a book that is as old as this one is to discuss birth politics. Some of the reviewers HERE also have good points about Wolf's viewpoint being fairly narrow and entitled. Still, it is an interesting and quick read, her part II conclusion is actually an issue I could really get into: The professional polarization of very managed medical births and very emotional, radical natural births. The care providers at these two ends do not collaborate well even if it seems (to advocates) that doing so would be in everyone's favor.

Several of my other required reading books have arrived and it is both intimidating and exciting to see them piled up and waiting for me.

I also discovered a podcast this week that has captured my attention:
The Birth Hour
This storytelling podcast embraces all women's experiences and is a great tool I think if any woman is feeling alone or just wants to hear some stories told in a positive atmosphere. No horror stories here, just honest experiences from women who have had all kinds of births and have gained insight from reflection and support.

January 2

It's Monday and I am starting in on my DONA certification requirements.

Before I can officially count any postpartum assistance, I have to attend an approved weekend workshop (~$600). They're offered in my area about once a month and I'd love to have taken it before my best friend's birth later this month, but there are 2 pre-reqs to attending a workshop: I must read several specific books and take a breastfeeding course.

I've chosen:
"The year after childbirth" - Kitzinger
"Misconceptions" - Wolf
"The baby book" - Sears
"Breastfeeding made simple" - Morhbacher

and also The Birth Partner to try to provide as much help to my friend during labor as I can, though it's not immediately required reading.

The breastfeeding course must be at least 3 hours long and preferably directed toward care providers, not necessarily parents (AND taught by someone with appropriate credentials i.e... not just an RN). Even still, it is an option to take the hospital's breastfeeding and infant care class and I'm working that out with them now. There are also online classes for $$ and possibly other community classes... La Leche League??